One of the craziest “risks” I have taken in my life was cutting off all my glorious long locks and getting a mohawk. There was no “30-day, money back guarantee” insurance policy that it would look good and or that my hair would grow back quickly if it was an epic failure.
Many have asked me why I did it. The truth is, I had recently had a baby and wanted a change. And if I was going to make a change, then it needed to be big (but not in Texas fashion), bold and totally B.A. because that’s just the way I roll. It was scary and exhilarating all at the same time - just the way taking a risk usually feels.
One of my girlfriends came to the salon with me and recorded the whole thing. I’ll never forget when my hair stylist put my hair in a ponytail for the last time and said, “are you ready?”
My heart was racing a mile a minute and my stomach was knotted up. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and said, “YES!” Annnnnnddd….in three snips, off came my gorgeous hair, just. Like. That. (Luckily, I had enough to donate to “Locks Of Love” so that a child undergoing cancer treatments could have a wig made out of my hair.)
However, what happened next, I was NOT ready for….. The realization of how much I hid behind my hair and all the other junk that came up as a result.
I felt naked and totally exposed pretty shortly after cutting my hair off. People made their remarks of course - some positive and others negative. The consistent comment was, “wow, your neck is SOOOOO thin!” (Que the insecurity minions) It’s kind of like that southern saying, “Well bless your little heart!” – which translated into “non-southern speak” means, “well what a sweet little idiot you are!!!”
So what did I do? I went into shame mode. Even though I loved my new style, I began to doubt myself and my decision. Worse? I began to hide because I felt ashamed of my neck and how I looked to other people.
I loved, loved, loved to wear scarves as an accessory before I cut my hair off….but post ballsy move? They became my armor to protect myself from other people’s projections and shaming.
Since I no longer had hair to hide behind, I found solace in hiding behind my scarves.
And then one day, that still small voice in my heart began to ask me, “Why? Why are you so ashamed of the way I made you?” Oh I wasn’t ready for THIS.
What came up next was all of the pain of being bullied my entire life for being petite. No matter what I did, I was constantly reminded that I didn’t measure up (physically speaking). Even when I was a competitive fencer (yes, I was a sword fighter), 20lbs heavier and totally ripped – people made their comments. I learned very quickly that I could never please everyone and I had to learn to love myself once and for all.
I made a decision right then and there that I would no longer wear scarves until I could TRULY wear them as a fashion accessory and not as a piece of armor. I needed to be okay with the fact that my neck was thin and be okay with it. Was it an overnight process? No, it took time. But this was probably THE greatest lesson and best gift I received from taking the risk to cut off all of my hair.
So, what is it that YOU hide behind? Is it your career? Your title? Your social status? Send me an email at: Carolina@EquiBalanceHealth.com
I’d love to hear your story!